Saturday, September 24, 2011

I got balls, how 'bout you?

I haven't been very funny lately.

It's not for lack of effort. There have been a few pathetic attempts, sure....but they were so atrocious that I just deleted them forever. You should thank me for that.

But, this....this here, this is going to be some funny shit.  Be prepared.

I was reading something on one of the multitude of quasi-news pages that I read when I gave a passing glance to a story.  I wasn't really capable of focusing at the time, but the topic stuck in my head.

I went back later that day and found the article again, then links to actual, legitimate news sources that discussed the same topic.

One of them can be found here.

If you are too lazy to click on the link and read the article, then actually remember to come back, I will not only forgive you, but I will just tell you what it says. I too suffer from internet surfing A.D.D. and *forget* to go back sometimes.

Basically, there is a conservative mom's group with their collective panties in a bunch.  They are pissed at Ben and Jerry's and it's not the first time.

Ben and Jerry and their flaming liberal ice cream. They should be ashamed.

Not.

They've been up in arms before, this mom's group (which claims to have a million members, but I don't buy it). They were all stirred up last year or so when the company temporarily renamed their "Chubby Hubby" flavor "Hubby Hubby" to celebrate the passing of same sex marriage laws in a few states.

Don't you just hate gay-friendly ice cream??? I mean really, they should have their own ice cream. We should be able to choose to keep our straight ice cream pristine and untouched by sin, right? Next thing you know, they will make some rainbow colored concoction and force feed it to children in public school...

Okay, if you think I am being serious, you clearly don't get my sarcasm at this point.  For that, I apologize.  The rest of this post is probably just going to piss you off, so you might as well stop reading.

Anyhow...

They are at it again.  Writing letters and getting press for being whiners.

This time, they are accusing Ben and Jerry's of making crude and inappropriately sexual ice cream.

I like my ice cream a little dirty, but I guess that's just me.  ;)

The flavor in question this time is a new one, not just something that got renamed temporarily.  "Schweddy Balls."

Some of you out there may not get the reference, and for that, I am sorry.  Really, I am sorry for you.  You should know what it means, and if you don't, you need to watch this video.  Right now.
The name is taken from this Saturday Night Live skit, which originally aired in 2007 I believe. Alec Baldwin was the guest host, and the skit is a satire of NPR-type shows. In it, he talks to Ana Gasteyer and Molly Shannon, the hosts of the fictional "Delicious Dish" show about his amazing ball recipes. Meat balls, cheese balls, and his most famous and requested, the schweddy balls - which are rum balls dipped in chocolate.

Obviously, the entire skit, one of the most famous in the last decade from the show, is filled with double entendres and sexual innuendo, but that is what makes it funny. In celebration of the fact that Alec is hosting the season premiere of SNL tonight, the company invented this flavor.

Insert the whiny conservatives.

They claim the name of the ice cream is objectionable. That the name is inappropriate and should be boycotted, the containers pulled off the shelves. That it sends the wrong message to children.

Here's the problem I have with that.

Children should not be watching SNL. If you are the kind of parent that lets your kids watch SNL, you aren't going to care if there is an ice cream named Schweddy Balls, or even D*ck in a box, for that matter. Nor should children generally be in the market for rum flavored ice cream. (I mean, unless your kids like rum.  I'm not judging...but whatever).

I suppose that it's possible that a child could accidentally read the label on the containers. Said child may then ask the parent (presumably the angry conservative mother) what balls are. A child old enough to read probably already knows what balls are, though. If they don't, you have some explaining to do anyway. Just sayin.

This assumes that said children are highly gifted speed readers. It took me more than a hot second to find the flavor in the ice cream case, and I was LOOKING for it.

I have kids. I have kids that can read (and yes, they all know what balls are). My kids don't ever pay that much attention to anything in the store. Or anywhere.

This isn't really something that any child is accidentally going to read. This is a soapbox to stand on. A rum-flavored soapbox.

I highly doubt that the kind of people outraged here would splurge for a $5 pint of ice cream anyway.

Just a generalization, I know.

What can I say? I'm a flaming liberal who happens to love ice cream.

For the love of dairy and all things that are funny and sarcastic, go buy a pint of this stuff. I've got mine, and I'm watching SNL tonight with it.

And as for the angry conservatives...I swear you people need to laugh more.

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