Friday, September 2, 2011

Friday Fashion Tips

Let me just say this in advance:

You. Are. Welcome.

Please, I urge you.  Learn from my mistakes.  It's just better that way.

1) Do not attempt to try on clothing in fitting rooms with small children who are capable of crawling under the door.  They will always wait until you are naked.  Always.

2) Do not allow those same children to be within arms reach of the tags dangling from unpurchased clothing.  They are grabby little buggers.  You don't need that fluorescent yellow pair of leggings.

3) Do not allow those same children to be within arms reach of sandals.  Particularly flip flops.  I once had a child attempt to consume a flip flop in the store.  True story.

4) Do not make the mistake of paying attention to shopping while your child sits quietly in the stroller.  This is how shoes are removed from the wearer and thrown while you aren't looking.  I spent a good hour searching for a size 8 red Converse shoe this week.  I'm not getting that time back.  Ever.

5) Do not wander over to the Junior's department and fool yourself into believing that you can cram your post-four child body into the cute cropped cargo pants that have a rise measurement that could only be meant for the crotch of a 12 year old.  Just don't do it.

6) Do not attempt to wear platform wedges on uneven grassy surfaces while drinking.  Trust me on this one.  Your ankles will thank you.  The people who see you collapse will be entertained, though.

7) Do not let people take pictures of you before you put a bra on.  Please.

8) Do not wear patterned panties beneath anything white.  Ever.  It's just not good.

9) Do not take your husband shoe shopping with you...unless you are in the market for stilettos.

10) Do not make the mistake of wearing that super cute maxi dress outside after sunset unless you are amply sprayed with insect repellent.  Everywhere.  Yep, even all up under the dress.  You don't want mosquitoes getting trapped in there and visiting the all-you-can-eat ass buffet.

Use these tips wisely this holiday weekend.  Don't make me say I told you so.

4 comments:

  1. Fabulous post, Kelly! I wish people would especially heed the one about wearing patterned undies underneath white. Make that any semi-dark colors, too. I would add this: Either wear a slip under the almost or very much see-through dress, skirt, whatever or don't wear it. Otherwise, you may not know but those around you may be mortified for you. I've been the mortified one. I wish I could have said something but I couldn't figure out how best to do it. She was someone's mother and it was at church.

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  2. Hahahaha! And who took a picture of you without your bra? That's a story in itself.

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  3. colored bras too....I had an 8th grade English teacher wear white shirt w/ red bra...she will remain nameless, but the boys sure loved her

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  4. Laughing at these. Which of your kids attempted to eat a shoe?!

    #1 has happened to me on at least 3 different occasions. Always while I'm as close to naked as possible. Seriously, who decided it would be smart to save a little wood by making changing room doors only go as low as mid-calf? That person obviously wasn't a parent.

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