Let me just say this in advance:
You. Are. Welcome.
Please, I urge you. Learn from my mistakes. It's just better that way.
1) Do not attempt to try on clothing in fitting rooms with small children who are capable of crawling under the door. They will always wait until you are naked. Always.
2) Do not allow those same children to be within arms reach of the tags dangling from unpurchased clothing. They are grabby little buggers. You don't need that fluorescent yellow pair of leggings.
3) Do not allow those same children to be within arms reach of sandals. Particularly flip flops. I once had a child attempt to consume a flip flop in the store. True story.
4) Do not make the mistake of paying attention to shopping while your child sits quietly in the stroller. This is how shoes are removed from the wearer and thrown while you aren't looking. I spent a good hour searching for a size 8 red Converse shoe this week. I'm not getting that time back. Ever.
5) Do not wander over to the Junior's department and fool yourself into believing that you can cram your post-four child body into the cute cropped cargo pants that have a rise measurement that could only be meant for the crotch of a 12 year old. Just don't do it.
6) Do not attempt to wear platform wedges on uneven grassy surfaces while drinking. Trust me on this one. Your ankles will thank you. The people who see you collapse will be entertained, though.
7) Do not let people take pictures of you before you put a bra on. Please.
8) Do not wear patterned panties beneath anything white. Ever. It's just not good.
9) Do not take your husband shoe shopping with you...unless you are in the market for stilettos.
10) Do not make the mistake of wearing that super cute maxi dress outside after sunset unless you are amply sprayed with insect repellent. Everywhere. Yep, even all up under the dress. You don't want mosquitoes getting trapped in there and visiting the all-you-can-eat ass buffet.
Use these tips wisely this holiday weekend. Don't make me say I told you so.
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