Sunday, July 3, 2011

The Downside to a D Cup

I mentioned that I shampooed the carpet earlier this week, and was up until midnight doing it.  What I failed to mention was what I was wearing while doing it.

Though it wasn't relevant at all to the task I was undertaking, it made me realize something.

Before you read any further, if you're a guy, you just might want to stop. 

Trust me.

That is, unless you enjoy stories about big boobies.

And really, what guy doesn't?  Except maybe my brother.  I can't see him wanting to read specifically about my boobs, not that I can say I would fault him for that. 

And I digress.

So, earlier that day, I had taken the kids to the pool.  Me and all the other mommies in town in our mommy swimsuits on our mommy bodies. 

Except for that one mom that you secretly want to walk past and shove in the pool.  The one who's body appears to have been completely untouched by the wonders of bringing forth a new life.  The one still rocking her teeny bikini, even does some standing up and walking around in it.  You know most of us could stomach wearing one if we could lay in the corner in a flattering position at all times, never stand and avoid walking in it at all.  And god forbid, there could be no running. 

But not her.  She's the mom who isn't hiding her cellulite beneath a swim skirt.  The one who somehow managed to avoid stretch marks and the dreaded mommy fold. 

Shhh, you all know what I'm talking about.   Mommy fold.  You know, that flap of ne'er again to be taut skin that hangs below your belly button.  The prize you get to take home from the hospital along with a package of free diapers. 

That mom didn't get her prize.  And that mom pisses me off.  But then I just decide in my head that she's really the nanny.  And it's all better.


Anyway, having taken the kids to the pool, I was still in my bathing suit when I began the hours long process of cleaning the floor.  I figured there was no point taking a shower before I finished, and there was no point getting another set of clothes dirty. 

Plus it was 100 degrees and even with the air conditioner on in the house, I was sweating like a pig once I started cleaning the floor.

My plan worked great until my neck started hurting.

You see, I was wearing a fantastic tankini.  See above mention of hiding the fold.  The top is cream with aqua and brown embroidered and beaded flowers. It's cute. 

And it's a halter top. 

Which is nice and all, but clearly I've never attempted to wear said halter top for more than a few hours.

And clearly, my neck cannot hold my boobs up for that long.

The ladies are just too big.

As if cleaning the carpets didn't suck enough, I had to finish it with a sore neck and my swimsuit untied, straps dangling precariously from the neckline of my tank top, sweaty boobs flapping in the wind.

Sometimes it's a pain in the ass (or more correctly in the neck) to have a nice rack.

Just sayin'.


  1. Considering I barely fill a B cup, I can't really relate to the neck pain associated with big boobs. But this was still funny to imagine!


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