Sunday, June 12, 2011

It Doesn't Matter

I've got a lot to do in the next week or so, and I'm already tired.

The Relay for Life is coming up this next Friday and Saturday. 

I'm doing it because I am supposed to.  Because I should.  Because the kids want to.  Because it is the right thing to do. 

I'm doing it.  Even if my heart isn't in it this time around.

I'm not looking forward to it this year. 

Last year, the bags that lit up the night at sunset were there in support of my father's fight. 

This time, they will be there in his memory.

And there is nothing that will ever make that better.

It doesn't matter how much money we raise.  It doesn't matter how much support we an garner for this worthy cause.  It doesn't matter how well we plan and organize it.

None of that is bringing him back.

Maybe we can help someone else now.

I'm sure it isn't just coincidence that this event is always held on Father's Day weekend.  I'm sure that it was chosen intentionally.  I'm sure that it will stay that way. 

And I'm sure that I will forever greet this event and this weekend with hesitation.  However organized and planned and excited I  may be someday again about this magnificent event, it will never be the same. 

I will walk this time, even if it hurts.

I will walk this time, carrying his memories in my heart. 

I will walk this time, knowing that it will take all of my being just to get there.

But I will do it. 

And when the nighttime sky fills with the glow of the luminarias, illuminated this time in the memory of the man I called Daddy, I will cry.

If you are interested in learning more about this event, please click here.

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