Tuesday, May 24, 2011

July, anyone?

Everywhere I look, everywhere I go.  June.

June.  June.  June.

Only a few days left of May, it's knocking on my door.  Ready or not.

Infiltrating my email inbox, signs posted in the stores.  Soon the Sunday paper will do it too. 

The commercials will start. 

The rows and rows of cards that I will never buy again.

It is a lot like how I felt after I'd lost the baby and felt like every.single.woman in the world was pregnant but me.

Except now, what I see are little old men.  Grandfathers picking up their grandkids from school.  Family outings at the park. 

I know that my radar is just heightened.  I know that I'm just more sensitive to it all right now.  I know that June comes every year and brings that day with it. 

Him walking me down the aisle, in June of course.
I know this. 

But it doesn't make it easier.

Last Father's Day, he was still here.  He opened a gift from my kids like he did every year.   He answered a phone call from me.   He was loved on by my baby nephew.  He was still here. 

How am I supposed to get through Father's Day without one?

I don't know.  

I will have to, somehow. 

I'll remember all the lessons my Dad taught me, including those he was still working on at the end.  I'll honor the memories, cherish the time I have with my own kids as he did with us. 

I'll drop whatever I am doing to toss a ball in the backyard, play 3 day long marathon games of Monopoly.   I'll teach my kids to keep score at a baseball game, I'll show my son how to throw a hook with a bowling ball. 

I'll watch some NASCAR, just like I did with him every weekend it was on.  I might even pretend to be interested this time.

I'll open a can of Coors Light and send a toast up to the sky. 

I'll miss him something fierce, though. 

June isn't going to be the same without him.  Never will be again.

I'd like to just skip straight to July this time around, if that's okay with all the rest of you.

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