Monday, April 11, 2011

Paper Lanterns

Yesterday was a hard day, and I'm dealing with the aftermath now.  Ick.

Note to the good liquor so I don't end up paying for it this way.

I spent most of the day yesterday trying to not think about what the day was, the whole time it sitting there in the back of my mind.

It's been two months. 

I think about how much things have changed in such a short time.  Sometimes it seems like he was just here yesterday, sometimes it seems like it's been years he's been gone.

I just know that I miss him.

We rented the movie Tangled to watch with the kids last night.  It was cute, funny and well written.  Towards the end of the movie, and about halfway through my second martini shaker, there was a scene that just broke my heart. 

Rapunzel, the main character, is in a boat in the middle of the lake.  She's there to watch the lights in the sky for the first time since escaping the tower she'd been kept her whole life.  The light, paper lanterns.  Released every year on her birthday, first by her parents the King and Queen, then by the rest of the village.  The parents who hadn't seen their daughter, Rapunzel, since she was kidnapped and put in that tower as a baby. 

Scene from the Disney film, Tangled
It was beautiful.

The never ending hope that they would one day see her again, that maybe she was out there somewhere and could see the lights in the sky every year on her birthday.

Then I started crying and the tears wouldn't stop.  A wave of memories hit me.   I was a little girl in a Christmas tree lot, sitting around a fire pit with him.  I was a teenager on a camping trip, taking nighttime walks to look at the stars with him.  I was a young woman standing at the railing of a cruise ship watching the sunset with him.  I was sitting across the table from him eating breakfast on the morning of the last birthday I'd ever spend with him. 

I tried to keep myself somewhat composed until the movie was over and the kids had headed up to bed.  Then I went where I have always gone to talk to him.  Outside.  I stood in the cold night air and stared up at the stars.  A sky full of lights. 

I have to let myself believe that he put at least one of them there for me.

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