Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Dammit

I have a long and growing list of topics that I plan to write about.  Deep things.  Important things.  I just added a few more ideas to the list.

Some of them are going to be awesome, for sure.

But I just don't have it in me right now to write about any of them.

I'm exhausted.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually, all of it.

Done.

I think I'm rapidly approaching my breaking point.

I was doing okay this morning until I thought about where I was a year ago today, driving home from spending the week in California with the kids.  With Dad. 

We left Easter morning.

Last night one of the couples on Dancing with the Stars danced to Somewhere Over the Rainbow, a song I haven't been able to listen to since the day of the funeral.  The girls recognized it immediately.  Said it was Grandpa's song.

And it is.

It's one of the songs we put on the video for him, filled with pictures of his life. 

There is a picture on the video of him from last Easter.  From a year ago.  He's watching the kids, the girls all dressed up pretty, lined up to do an egg hunt before we had to leave to come home.  He still had his mad as hell and not gonna take it anymore beard back then.  And he looked so good.

It's not fair.

I miss him so much it hurts. 

I find myself unable to fight back the tears that insist on coming at the most inopportune times.

I've never done this before.

Dammit, it sucks.

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