Saturday, March 26, 2011


Yesterday was just another exhausting day. 

Seems like they are all that way anymore.  At some point, this all has to end, I hope.  At some point.

Someone commented on how strong I was as I grabbed the two year old off the table for the four hundredth time in a row with one arm and put him back on solid ground.  Someday he won't do things like that. 

But when he stops, he will probably stop doing other things too. 

Like curling up in a little ball and sleeping in the crook of my neck after his sleepy little legs bring him to my room in the middle of the night.

I know I am going to miss that, even if I'll be glad to see the constant danger of toddler hood end.

I am strong.  Or at least that's what people have told me.  The people who really have any idea what is going on in my life and understand that two year olds falling off tables is the least of the things I have to worry about.

At some point, it would be nice to have a day where nothing goes wrong.  Where no one gets hurt.  Where no one gets angry.  Seems like the only way that is happening anymore is through the use of plastic individual bubbles for my kids and disconnecting all contact I have with the outside world.

Which doesn't seem much like a life at all.

Too many things seems wrong right now.

Yesterday, though, there was hope of change.  Real and symbolic kinds.

Glimmers of hope, even if others can't or won't see them quite yet.  Trying not to get myself too invested in them. 

My mantra has always been to prepare for the worst, hope for the best.  That way, it's hard to ever really be disappointed.  Rather, you are usually happy with the outcome, whatever that may be.  Trying to remind myself to heed my own advice.

In the afternoon, I noticed the room had darkened suddenly.

It is Spring here now, officially. 

Through the windows on one end of the house, bright blue sky, vibrant and unblemished. 

Through the windows on the other side, the heaving black darkness of a storm.

Spring brings changes, just as my life is bringing them.

And though these storms, the weather related ones and the others, can sometimes be terrifying, they are exciting too.  Daddy always loved to watch them.

I'll be here, riding them out for as long as it takes, waiting for the rainbow on the other side.

I am strong.

He did that.

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