Thursday, March 17, 2011

Normal, whatever it is

There is a guy that lives here.  An adult one.  Really.

He is harder to spot during daylight hours than a yeti this time of year.

Living with a CPA is hard for everyone in the house during tax season.  Hard on him, of course.  Hard on me, yes.  Hard on the kids.

Thing is, I've hardly noticed he is gone.

Normally, tax season brings with it an obvious and nagging reality that he isn't here.  It bugs me, especially by the middle of March, when he isn't around.

Late dinners, all the shuttling of the kids left to me, almost no time to even talk to him at all.  For months.

It's been this way as long as we've been married.

And it's like this every year from the end of January until that fateful day in April.  You know, the one many people dread because it's on that day that the taxman cometh, the looming deadline that sneaks up on all the procrastinators.  That day.

It's one I look forward to.

It's the day I get my husband back. 

This year has been different though. 

In.so.many.ways.

This time around I was the one that was gone for a long time.  And I wasn't just gone 65 hours a week plus commuting time.  I was gone every day.  Every night.

Tax season started without me here.

As soon as I got back, he was gone.

I've been so caught up in just trying to get back to routines, just trying to keep things moving, just going through the motions, that I haven't had time to be annoyed or upset that he's never around. 

He just isn't here.  Just like I wasn't.

No one to be frustrated with, no one to blame.  It is what it is.

I don't have energy to expend in that direction. 

Maybe someday our house will return to a semblance of normal again.  Maybe.

Maybe someday it will be just the six of us on a Saturday morning in our pajamas making pancakes and laughing around the table.  Maybe.

I don't even know what normal is anymore. 

It sure isn't what it used to be, never will be again.

And it's not even possible for another month, whatever it is now.

But, man was it good.

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