Friday, February 4, 2011

What I See

I've seen things that most people wouldn't imagine in the last few weeks.  Things that people would never want to see.

There are more to come, for sure.

I try to remind myself almost constantly why I am here.  To help.  To safeguard his dignity.  To help him find peace.  To keep him comfortable. 

And then he goes and does things like he did yesterday and a little piece of my heart breaks silently.

This is what I see.

He has lost so much weight his wedding ring, already wrapped with string, is falling off again.  In the time I've been here, ten more pounds at least have vanished.  He gets smaller and smaller each day.

Yesterday, he brought a few bandaids back from the bathroom.  And he sat, hands shaking, and struggled to open the wrappers.  Refused help.  He methodically trimmed the bandages until they were just the right size. 

Then he wrapped them around the ring until the layers built up enough that it wouldn't fall off.  For now.

I didn't cry in front of him.  I'm not crying now just in case he wakes from his sleep, opens an eye and peeks in this direction.  I won't cry.  Not until I am done and this is posted and I have quietly turned off the computer and walked away from where he can see. 

He needs me to be strong.  He doesn't want me to be sad.  So I won't be.

At least not when he can see.

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