Saturday, February 19, 2011

Today, the thing that is happening right now...

It's hard to just live in the moment when everything reminds you of some other time.

I try to do that as much as I can, even outside the currently crappy situation that is my reality.  But it's not easy to do.

It's easy to get caught up in living in the past, in relishing the memories, in telling stories, looking at pictures.  It's easy to wish for that time back. 

It's harder to imagine what the future will bring.  I have long since given up trying to control or predict it at all.  I learned that lesson.  Maybe sometimes it's just my unwillingness to imagine what the future will be like, my intentioned halt of those thoughts.

Harder still is just living in the now.  Taking each day as it comes, remembering to go through the motions.  Sometimes you have to focus all that energy on just making yourself take the next step, find the motivation to keep breathing.

I want to live in the now.  I want to absorb all that I can from my experiences.  I want to really see the joy on the faces of my children when they see something new, learn something new, go somewhere new.  I want to be with them, wholly with them, now.

But now is hard.  Because now I am reminded almost constantly of the one who isn't here.

We went to the aquarium today, the last place that Dad wanted to go to with all the kids.  The last place we went when he was well enough to go.  Is it strange that I found myself looking for him there?  That I leaned on some of the walls he leaned on when he'd get tired?  That I stood in a crowded dark room full of tropical fish tanks, held my little girl's hand and cried?

I want to live in today.  I do.  I want to be here, now. 

But it's hard.

It's damn hard.

1 comment:

  1. sooo we must have just missed you. We went there early today....had lunch at Bubba Gumps at 11:00. So sorry things are soooo hard. Nothing I can say can make it better...just know that people love you and think of you.

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