Wednesday, February 16, 2011

It hurts

I don't even know where to begin writing today.  I am tired.  I am sad.  I am hurting.

Literally and figuratively. 

I woke up yesterday morning with a slight pain in one ear, tried to dismiss it like I've done to every other ache and pain in the last month.  I managed to ignore a migraine that lasted well over a week because I had to. 

Then I woke up this morning and knew immediately that my ear was worse.  And it's the left one.  The one that I had trouble with a few years ago.  Considering the fact that I never got ear infections as a child, I'm pretty lucky I guess.  This is only the second one I've had as an adult...but the last one was so bad my eardrum ruptured. 

I don't know how many of you have ever experienced that kind of pain, but it is terrible.  I've done natural childbirth and this was worse. 

I figured I couldn't ignore my ear anymore, and went to urgent care tonight.  Even though my husband and my babies are here.  I was in a waiting room, explaining to a complete stranger why I need my ear to be better right now.  Then explaining why I am already aware that blood pressure is sky high and that I know I need to be on a higher dose of my medication, but that I haven't been to the doctor.  That I haven't even been home in almost a month.  And then telling him why.

And saying the words out loud.

My father died.

Something about saying it out loud makes it seem more real, not that I ever was in denial about anything. 

I walked out of the doctor's office, told them I would convey their sympathy to my mother, and thanked them.

Then I stood outside in the rain and cried. 

Really cried.

For the first time in a few days.

And that hurts more than any physical pain ever could.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet girl, I do feel your pain. When my mother in law died last month, I was so lost and sad. She was like a mom to me, and even though we knew she was in her last days and watched her die, it is still not real. I find myself going to call her - and can't. Praying for you, and for your family. Love ya!- Arianne

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