Friday, December 3, 2010

Why I'm Avoiding You

I generally have this annoying tendency to avoid people, even people I like.  I find myself doing it and wonder why inside my head.  I argue with myself internally as to what the reasons are, and those are the kind of arguments that you can never win.

Lately, though, I am intentionally doing it. 

It's just better that way.

Trust me on this.

I don't want to make small talk.  I don't want to talk politics.  I don't want to hear about what the PTO is or is not doing this week.  I don't care about the drama at school.  I don't need to be caught up on all the gossip of the week. 

I don't want to deal with all the things I am committed to, though I will.  I will show up and do what I must then leave.  I will smile and be friendly when I am supposed to, then quietly make an exit when no one notices. 

I don't want people to ask me how I am, particularly if they don't understand where I am right now.  Where I am, it's not a good place.  A few of you know where that is.  You've been there.  You know how I feel right now.

I don't want to tell people I am fine.  I don't want to lie to you.  I don't want to lie to myself.

You know that headache you get when you've spent all day trying not to cry?  When you've done all that you can to keep it together?  When you spend far more hours staring at the ceiling than sleeping?  When you know that your fuse is very likely the shortest it's ever been and you know that it's just better to avoid other people? 

That is why I'm avoiding you.

Nothing personal, really.  It's not you.  It's most definitely me.

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