Saturday, December 18, 2010

Blowing Sunshine and Other Funnies for Your Saturday

Bah Humbug. 

I've been told that I need to write things more upbeat.  Put on the happy face.  All that jazz.

Merry Christmas or whatever.

I'm not normally one to blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but I'm too tired to argue about it at the moment.  So I will tell you all the funny things that happened this week.

Apologies for my abrasiveness.  Well, not really.  I'm not terribly apologetic about it, I'm just saying that because I am supposed to.  I have a short fuse lately, and my censor button seems to need repairing.  So if inappropriate humor makes you fidget in your seat, it's best to stop reading now.  Or up there in that last paragraph, where I was talking about blowing sunshine up your ass. 

Anyhow.  Back to the funnies. 

* I bought leggings this week.  With zippers on the sides.  I am a 33 year old woman.  What the hell was I thinking?  Granted, they were $3.74 on the clearance rack at Target.  But still.  Needless to say, I haven't worn them.  You should stop wearing leggings by middle school.  Yes, even if you are a size 2.  I recently came across a woman older than me wearing leggings and a regular shirt (not a tunic or dress thing, just a shirt).  Even though she definitely had the body to pull it off, it's not something that should be attempted past the age of 10.  Just saying.

* A wonderful stomach virus made it's way through the house earlier this week.  I realized how bad it must be when one of my children (who will remain nameless for their own well being) told me that their pooper was angry.  Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up.   You don't want an angry pooper. 

* I got my drawers moistened.  While I was in the shower.  I was taking the mom equivalent of a shower, many of you will know what I'm talking about.  You know, how you can shampoo and condition your hair, exfoliate your face, wash your body and remove all undesirable hair with the shower door half open in exactly 3 minutes?  That shower.  Anyhow, I should have known the boy was up to no good when he shut the bathroom door.  When I got out, I opened the door.  No one was screaming, the house wasn't on fire and I could hear all 4 of them, so I figured there wasn't a problem.  Then I walked around to my side of the bed and realized that he had squeezed out the entire tube of hand cream.  On the nightstand, on the carpet and all over the inside of the drawer that once contained said tube of hand cream.  That drawer was getting a bit chappy.

* I went to 4 stores that sold bread in one day, knowing full well that we were completely out of it at home and still came home breadless.  That takes a special kind of skill.

* AJ got playdough from his auntie for Christmas.  They have been playing with it and cleaning it up, so I haven't taken much notice of the colors in the set.  I can tell you there is pink though for sure.  I've pulled out two globs of pink playdough from his nose.  Tom pulled one out too.  Ok, so maybe there isn't much pink playdough actually left at this point...

* My dear husband inappropriately texted the wrong guy at his office party.  He meant to text dude with the same name #1, but accidentally sent it to dude with the same name #2.  Which would have been fine if it wasn't intended to remind him to put his cell phone away during dinner through the use of the not-so-subtle message "Keep it in your pants".  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he is mine.  All mine.  Fortunately dude #2 laughed.  Because if he hadn't....well, this might not be so funny.

* At that same party, we took some really awful white elephant gifts for the exchange.  Like so bad that I can't believe Tom actually went to a cash register and paid for them while his daughter was with him!  The peel and stick invisible boob lifts...really?  Really???  Believe it or not, we brought home something worse.  This.   Underwear actually designed to make your ass look bigger.  No, I'm not kidding.  Thankfully we got a case of wine to go with our new Booty Pop panties.  If I'm going to make my ass bigger, I'd prefer to do it the old fashioned way, thank you very much.

Have a wonderful Saturday.  Or don't.  Whatever.

After I torture my two year old by taking him to visit the dude in the red suit today, I'll be settling in for some adult beverages.  That is, of course, assuming I am not struck by that lovely stomach virus in the next 12 hours.  You really shouldn't drink with an angry pooper.

3 comments:

  1. THANK YOU for making me laugh this hard so early in the morning.

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  2. That is fabulous!!!!

    I am only sorry I waited until now to read it....

    Should I mention I am "that" woman wearing the leggings? But they look super cute with a sweater dress and boots. I had to defend myself on that one! :-) Oh! And mine have cute silver buttons on the bottom. Can't seem them when I wear the boots though. Only my 4" heals. Yes, I wear 4" heals. Regularly.

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