Wednesday, December 15, 2010

30 Days of Truth, Day 14

Day 14 - Who is a hero that has let you down?

Sigh.  Yet another one I don't really want to answer.  Next time I take on one of these challenges, I am going to make sure to read through all the days first.  There's a photography one floating through cyberspace...maybe that one wouldn't be so bad.

If it wasn't for my resolute stubbornness, I would quit this challenge.  Throw in the towel and be done with it.  Stubbornness....one of my more annoying personality traits. 

You see, the trouble with answering this question is that I have lived almost my entire life without heroes.  Almost.

Back when I was a little girl, I had heroes.

I was a different person back then, very different from who I am now.  I was happy and innocent as a young child.  The cynical jaded person you all know and love today didn't exist yet then.  Back then, I'd never known loss or disappointment, heartbreak or sadness.  

Then one day I did.  

My Pap, one of my heroes, died. 

I was five.

I know that he didn't let me down on purpose.  I know that he'd have given anything not to have that heart attack.  He was young and strong, I know he wasn't ready to go.  He had a whole lifetime still ahead of him.

Something in me changed that day.  From that point on in my life, I stopped elevating people to hero status.  People were just people, flawed and broken.    No one was invincible.  No one was perfect.  No one was forever.  I knew then that someday, eventually, they would leave, they would walk away, they would be gone.   And it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference if I was done needing them or not.

It's a hell of a lesson to learn at five.

I wonder sometimes just how different I'd be if he hadn't died when he did.  If it would have mattered if he'd seen me sing in concerts, play softball, graduate, walk down the aisle, have children of my own.   I can't help but think I would be different. 

I miss you Pap.

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