Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Heartstrings

There are only about a million Christmas songs that make me cry.  I am sure a lot of them are written that way on purpose, to pull at the heartstrings, to remind us of what we are missing and what we wish for.  To celebrate the season, yes, but also to remind us why it is so hard to live through December sometimes.

The older I get, the more bittersweet the holidays are.

I'm going through the motions this year like I did last year.  This time around, my husband refused to give me a choice though, he forced my hand in the matter.  He knew that if he hauled all that stuff up and out of the basement I would have no choice but to put it up. 

To put on the show. 

I have to.  For the kids.  And for me.

He's tried to turn on Christmas music a few times already, and I fought him.  Four weeks of it is more than sufficient, and right now I don't really want to hear it anyway.  Sunday, though, I stopped fighting him.  It's useless to bother trying once the tree is up.  He loves Christmas, and it's not fair for me to take that away from him.

He still loves Christmas because he doesn't have a reason to hate it yet.

I do.

Anyhow, the music was on and the tree was up and I was putting the lights on in my obsessive way when this song came on. 

A song from a mother to her child, surely intended to be a positive one, but for me it's hard to hear.  It's about how she had lost the joy in the holiday, how it wasn't fun anymore because of all the realities of being a grown up.  About how she now can relive the wonder and blind faith of the season through her child. 

To watch them this time of year.  To pretend, if only by extension, that everything is new and perfect.  That magic can happen.  That miracles can come true.  That no matter what you ask for, no matter how big, your wishes can be fulfilled.

For my babies, I am grateful.  They give me this perspective. 

I just have to let myself see it.

Until I had you I did not know
That I was missing out
Had to grow up & see the world
Through different shades of doubt
Give me one more chance to dream again
One more chance to feel again
Through your young heart
If only for one day help me try

I want to see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I want to see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid to let your love show
Won´t you show me how
Want to learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

I want to see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was kind
I want to see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

Gloria Estefan, Christmas Through Your Eyes

2 comments:

  1. I cried to Colorado Christmas the other day....just that time of year

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mariah found a few presents this year. It's only a matter of time now. I am glad the tree won't go up until we move (Dec 10th). My mom wants it up before we unpack, but still. You know, just having the whole month before Christmas in your face is enough. Especially when it hurts. Though you're right, it is a holiday for kids, and anyone who doesn't hate this time of year yet.

    "Holly and the Ivy" is my favorite.

    ReplyDelete

Some of My Most Popular Posts