Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Belong

I haven't written about what I am about to write about since it happened a few weeks ago.

On purpose.

Because I don't necessarily believe in signs. Except that maybe this was one, and I didn't want it to be.

I have been here in this life long enough to figure out that there are two forces at work in everything that happens to us. One being our individual effort and desire to make something be. The other being luck, fate, inevitability, whatever you want to call it.

As much as we may want to believe that we alone control our destinies, we don't really. We have a say in it to some degree, it's true. We can try to change the course of events, we can speed the process, we can dig in our heels and fight when we don't like the path our lives head down. We can.

But you've got to admit that life has a lot more to do with chance than will.

I'm just a natural skeptic I suppose and have had too many bad things happen in my life and in the lives of people I love. I know that sometimes being a good person with a goal and motivation means little. Sometimes life has other plans for you.

So, it is with this as my mindset that the event occurred a few weeks back.

The thing that no one noticed but me.

We were driving back from California, away from my family, away from where I feel like I should be when it happened. I hate that drive every time. The drive out never seems as long or as hard as the one back this way.

We'd been driving for hours and hours and hours at the time it happened. The older kids were watching some movie on the DVD player, AJ was asleep. Tom was playing with his phone. I didn't mind though, I'd rather everyone else be occupied than bothering me when I am driving.

If you've ever made the trek across Utah and Colorado, you will know that last curve headed East as you cross over the state line. The one where you can start to see the Grand Mesa of Colorado. Where the scenery gets interesting again after over an hour of blah.

I've written here before this summer about how I've been missing the rainbows that usually come after the storms. It's not that there have been fewer storms, just fewer rainbows. I read too much into things, I know.

Anyway, as I drove those last few miles of Utah, the sun was thinking about turning in for the day. There was a large storm building over the mountains ahead of me, the sky so dark it was purple. As I came around that last curve, taking Colorado into view for the first time, it was there.

A huge vivid rainbow filled the sky, just as I crossed the state line.

I'd say that it was welcoming me home, but that would mean that this is home now. And I'm still not convinced that I belong here. I'm not sure I wanted to see that rainbow. No one else in the car did.

What if it was there just for me?

What if it was a sign? My skeptical brain tells me they don't exist. What if it was, though? Do I go along for the ride or do I dig in my heels and fight the inevitable?

All I really know for sure was that it was magnificent.

If this is someone's idea of a sign, it's a pretty good one.

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