Friday, June 11, 2010


So I have this friend. She gave me permission to share these stories though asked that I not give her name. Except that anyone who knows her will completely know these are about her. She has the best bathroom stories. Seriously. Since she doesn't have a blog, I feel compelled to share them here.

Let's be honest. Anyone with a kid over the age of three has a bathroom story or two. I have a few. I'd share my bathroom stories, but I don't really have any that come close to hers. They pale in comparison.

Well, except for the one time I heard one of my daughters calling her big brother in to admire her creation. That was pretty damn funny.

My friend, though, she has some great stories.

There was the time she called me and asked how bad it is when the light fixtures on the main floor are dripping water. My obvious first question was, why?

Her youngest had been upstairs in the bathroom all alone. He was the culprit. He was awful proud of himself for attempting an unassisted wipe, though a little frustrated that his efforts didn't seem to be getting the job done. The only solution, of course, was to use more toilet paper.

Sometime after he'd done his business and used a ton of toilet paper, he did the unthinkable. He sat there and he flushed.
And the water came up and up and up.

He pretty quickly realized that it wasn't going down on it's own, so he did the only logical thing to solve his dilemma. He climbed up and tried to shove it down, hanging on to the towel bar for support. It might have worked, at least in his four year old mind, but the towel rack ripped off the wall.

So here he was, with an overflowing toilet and a towel bar ripped off the wall. He sat back down. And yelled. MOM!!!!

And my friend, my dear friend, walked into her carpeted bathroom to discover the horror of the situation. Her little boy just looked at her and said,

"But the good news is, when the water came cleaned my butt!"

Suppressing her laughter and overwhelmed by the situation, she got to fixing. Wiped the boy, plunged the toilet, started using towels to soak up all the water on the carpet. By the way, who the hell ever thought it was a good idea to put carpet in a bathroom????

Eventually she made her way downstairs and not long after that the drips started. All the recessed lights in the ceiling under the bathroom were dripping. And they were dripping toilet water. That's when she called me. And being the good friend I am, I tried really hard not to laugh. There was so much water it was trapped between the floors and the only choice she had was to shut off the power and wait for it to all drain out.

At least the water cleaned his butt, right?

This has been a favorite story of hers for a while now.

I got another phone call yesterday. From her. Another day, another toilet. More toilet paper, except this time it was in the basement and gravity wasn't going to help. She tried everything she could think of, even busting out the drain snake. Then she felt like she had to soak her entire body in bleach afterwards. There's just something about doing battle with a toilet that makes you feel icky for days.

Finally, she'd had enough. After six hours of fighting with the toilet. She did what I would have told her to do had she just called me sooner. Except she had to resort to online searching to find it.

The tip she found told her to pour liquid dish soap into the toilet. A lot of liquid dish soap. Let it sit, then fill up a bucket and drop the water in from waist height to force the clog out. It worked.

She called, all excited to tell me of her victory. How she had conquered the toilet. I laughed at her, but I tried really hard not to because I am a good friend.

And then I told her I was soooo writing about this.


  1. I can hear in my head the nicknames since created for these two! Bless their little hearts. Toilet standing, towel rod dual, carpeted john, light fixtures invaded by liquid hell, brash basement brawling, plumbing nightmare straight out of "The Money Pit"...but he pooped, and they are BOTH clean.
    Love it.

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