Sunday, May 2, 2010

Reminded

I could blame it on the fact that I was really tired last night. Or that I was emotionally wound up in worrying about how Ashley would be at her very first sleepover. Or that I had a drink earlier and my normally self-regulating emotions were a bit off. I could. But I know that would be just making up an excuse. I'm not one to do that anyway. I hate excuses. And I know very well what my problem was last night. I know why.

We watched a movie last night. A funny one. There were parts of the movie that had me crying I was laughing so hard. There were other parts though, ones that weren't so funny I was crying, ones that weren't meant to be sad. I cried at those too.

Either Tom was busy watching the movie and not noticing, or he was willing himself not to see. I'm not sure which, actually. He learned a long time ago that I don't cry often, but when I do, there is generally a good reason. And it's rarely something he can fix.

I wasn't crying about the movie at all, really. I was crying about the message of the movie. About how, even though sometimes the people you are related to can drive you absolutely insane, you are supposed to be together on Christmas.

I haven't been with my family on Christmas in a very long time. I can't claim that I had no choice to move here. I did. I can't say that it is someone else's fault for not being here that I haven't seen them. It's not. I am the one who moved away, and I have to own that decision. I can't, and I don't, expect other people to come here for the holidays.

I have to tell you though, it has made the holidays hard.

I miss the years before we had children that we would spend on the freeway driving back and forth between the homes of each set of parents. I miss eating dinner twice just to make everyone happy. I miss the times we had both sides of the family crammed into our tiny living room in San Diego. I miss watching my Mom and Dad watch the kids opening presents. Mostly though, I miss that time in my life. And I hate that it ended because I moved away.

There are some choices in my life, even if they were the right ones for other reasons, that I will never forgive myself for. This movie just reminded me of that. And it made me sad.

This year, I will try to be with my family on Christmas. I'm not sure how and I'm not sure if. But I will try.

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