Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Night

Nights are long around here lately. There have been too many children, too bright eyed and bushy tailed for the middle of the night for too many nights. There has been much whining and tossing and turning and needing.

I'm tired.

All the kids are sleeping right now, as is my husband. He's snoring, both girls are coughing. Snore, cough, cough. Snore, cough, cough. It's not their fault though, as he is sick right now and both the girls have my kind of asthma - the kind that tends to rear it's ugly head only at night.

Night is not as quiet and peaceful as it could be around here.

I should be taking advantage of this time to rest myself. Especially since I haven't had much of it as of late. But I'm just not the kind of person that can go to bed early. Character flaw? Perhaps.

Mostly it's that there are so many things, so many very different things, running through my head that it's hard to get control of all of them simultaneously. To make them settle and be still at the same time. Little things. Big things. Things I can control. More that I cannot. Many more.

These moments of the night are for me. It's just about the only time I get to myself. It is the time that I can sit and think about the things running through my head without constant interruption. Without someone needing me, tugging at a pant leg, hollering from down the hall.

Sometimes I find comfort in these moments. When I can work through my feelings, figure out ways to get things done, to make things right. Other times I find sorrow in these moments. Being alone with my feelings, really having time to explore the thoughts I push aside when I am too busy to think them, to feel them. When I am wrapped up in whatever else I need to do. At night, these thoughts come back. And they force me to realize that I am powerless far more often than I would like.

Tonight, I write. I am tired, yes. But I am not sleepy. It was not until sometime after I became a mother that I really realized that being tired and being sleepy are often not in any way related. That you can be one or the other or both or neither at any given time, sometimes with no rhyme or reason.

Sleep may come, but rest eludes me these days.

Goodnight my friends. May your night be restful. May your dreams be sweet. And may morning greet you with newness and peace.

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